marriage - what a gift we have in each other

(written 2/15/2010)

I am full of gratitude, wonder, and joy for the gift of my marriage. Today is our 34th anniversary - more than a third of a century together in unbroken trust.

Love, faith, hope, hard work, trials, set backs, forgiveness, renewal, discovery, commitment, and unmerited grace and mercy are part of our story. There are some things that are hard to put into words because the totality of what this means is huge. Our union has changed both of us forever and given us so many wonderful things, some we needed, some we desired, and many things just pure gifts. Since no human is perfect in this life, we still struggle against our own tendencies that sometimes work against peace and unity. I'm so glad when we wrote our own vows (it was the 1970s - what can I say?), we included the phrase "I will forgive you always". That has saved me countless times, including this past week! Most of our disagreements are over stupid, inconsequential things. Alas, we humans carry so much baggage, it would sink us if we didn't have a way to disengage from past hurts, frustrations, and grief.

One of the biggest surprises for me this past year is how much we are still learning about each other. One would think after so much time and thousands of hours of talking, we would know all that can be known about each other, yet that is not true. We are still learning things about ourselves, things we have never communicated about because we did not know it ourselves. The light of Ellen's insights into my personality reveal undiscovered things, secret preferences and attitudes I have that I don't know myself. And I bring light to her as well. This is possible only because we trust each other. The years of steady love, affirmation, and respect changes everything. We are re-making each other and calling each other on to be the best version of ourselves. Sometimes that is a difficult transition, but the fruit is good. The fruit of our union is very, very good. Blessed be God, who gives us everything good - beyond all hope, calculation, or dream.

the grass withers, the flower fades . . . God's word lives on

I was thinking just this morning in prayer (at 4 am!) that this aging thing is tough. But we do have an opportunity as we age for more reflection. Since the body slows down, even breaks down, we retreat into our inner sanctum, where we find a different, deeper wisdom. For me, this is a place where I can hear God. So the body's decay/breakdown/slowdown CAN be an opportunity to look at our lives in a different (more spiritual) way. I greatly value my physical health. With the inevitable changes that come with age, we have choices to make: to feel sorry for myself and lament to loss of our youth & vigor or to use all our energy and resources trying to re-create our youth. Or we can accept life on life's terms - do what we can to care for our bodies, but discover our inner resources that are always there. We tend to ignore these inner things when the body drives our daily routine.

I'm fortunate that I never required lots of sleep. 5 and 1/2 to 6 hours is enough and the rare 7 hours is really sleeping in! But the body clock seems to be migrating East, since I wake up earlier and earlier. I am becoming a monk! Up at 4 am for the day and fading around 10 pm. This is not unique since I know many older folks who live the same way - living by the sun! My house is a monastery at 4 am - quiet, peaceful, with no one else around. This is when I can meet God, Who is always waiting for me. I can read my Bible, pray & worship, and listen for the Master's gentle voice. He is always there but I am rarely still enough to hear. One of the benefits of aging is ability to quiet ourselves long enough to hear the Voice we all want to hear. His wisdom leaps off the pages of the scriptures, the Holy Spirit reminds us of all that Jesus said and did, and inspirations pour into our soul. My mind can think clearly in the early morning, not encumbered by the demands of my busy life.

I feel sorry for the many folks I know who panic or despair when the body's aging becomes manifest. My Mom and other older relatives are so unhappy and desperate over the inevitable process we all live with. A certain measure of acceptance goes a long way to bring tranquility. We just have to live just for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Gary

Who Am I ?

(written May 14, 2010)

I woke up with an overwhelming desire to thank God for my wonderful, rich life with Him and for all His many gifts to me. My mind is searching to find the right words of praise to offer Him. I strain to say the inexpressible and to speak words of love in a new language, unknown to mortal men. Even in this, I depend on His goodness. How do I thank Him enough for the Gift of the Holy Spirit, which gives me words of praise, love, and adoration that He alone can comprehend? On the eve of the celebrating my 60 years on this planet, I opened my Bible to my bookmark this morning to find the words of Psalm 103, which say so many things in my heart -

"Bless the Lord, my soul,
bless his holy name, all that is in me!
Bless the Lord, my soul,
and remember all his kindnesses:

in forgiving all your offenses,
in curing all your diseases,
in redeeming your life from the Pit,
in crowning you with love and tenderness,
in filling your years with prosperity,
in renewing your youth like an eagle's.

The Lord, who always does what is right,
is always on the side of the oppressed . . .

The Lord is tender and compassionate,
slow to anger, most loving;
his indignation does not last forever,
his resentment exists a short time only;
he never treats us, never punishes us,
as our guilt and our sins deserve.

No less than the height of heaven over the earth
is the greatness of his love for those who fear him;
he takes our sins farther away
than the east is from the west.

As tenderly as a father treats his children,
so the Lord treats those who fear him;
he knows what we are made of,
he remembers we are dust.

Man lasts no longer than the grass,
no longer than a wild flower he lives,
one gust of wind, and he is gone,
never to be seen again . . . ".

Two songs by Casting Crowns sum up these themes: "Who Am I?" and "East is to West". They are worth a listen - when you have 10 minutes. The words are inspired and the music is compelling.- see attached links to youtube videos

"Who Am I ? ====>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQzhdWJFHbI
"East is to West" ====>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyoVJfADlwo

Gary

Before the Dawn of Time . . . Loved !

(written May 15, 2010)

It is astounding, wonderful, and very exciting to see my 60th birthday arrive today. Friends and family are asking me "How does it feel to be 60?". It may take me days, even weeks, to unpack all the emotions rushing in, like an unexpected tide. I am not a simple man. I'm ok with that. A tsunami of feelings swirl about me. One friend sent me a card with a man in the churning ocean surf as a giant, 40-foot wave curls over his head. A good image to convey how this day feels to me. Awesome. Breathtaking. Good, very, very good!

I am overwhelmed by all the love. One friend from high school wrote to remind me of how God used me to turn his life around. He called me up late one evening in 1970 to say "goodbye", wanting to "end it all". Whether God called me to intervene or I suffered from a "messiah complex", I decided to leave immediately to help him. With no car, my only option at that late hour was to hitchhike to Buffalo. Once you leave the bright lights of Boston, the Massachusetts Turnpike is a very dark road. I ended up walking backwards with my thumb out for many miles on the shoulder of the road. I sang in tongues and watched the stars in the Milky Way shine bright. I was happy and excited. Finally a car pulled over and a middle aged man told me to get in. It soon became apparent that he was drunk and was losing his battle to stay awake. He abruptly asked me "Can you drive?" and before I could answer, he pulled to a stop, got up and moved to the back seat, laid down and fell asleep. I did all the driving and made Buffalo by daybreak. It may have been two lives that were saved that night.

God has used me many times in the last 40 years since my "baptism with fire". He works in me, through me, and often, in spite of me. I have failed Him too, more than I want to admit. Yet "He remembers our frame; He remembers we are dust". And so we rise each day, ready to begin again. Getting to this age with good health, great joy, deep peace, hope, and enthusiasm to continue serving Him is His gift. The greatest gift is to know Him and to be taken by Him. His ear listens for my voice. He calls me His child, loved before the dawn of time, with a mission and a purpose only I can fulfill. My true identity is hidden, even from me, until that glorious day when all will be made known. In the time remaining here on this planet, I want to give Him my all. I want to surrender completely.

Gary

the downfall of America ?

Many pundits forecast the collapse of the USA, due to an economic collapse or continued terrorist attacks with weapons of mass destruction. But we have far more to fear from our own moral confusion and the corresponding loss of our human identity as children of God. Peter Kreeft has written that contraception is more destructive to the human race than all the nuclear bombs in the world. The evils we were warned of in Pope Paul's "Humanae Vitae" are all around us : the exploitation of women, the rise of promiscuity, pornography and homosexuality, increased abortions (not less!), the collapse of the traditional family, etc. Our sexual confusion is causing America and most other nations to rot from within. We do not need external threats (although they do exist); we are destroying ourselves. Our blindness is almost willful it seems.

Barack Obama is only one man, but his elevation to the highest place in the land is a sign of our confusion. He would not be promoting the destruction of traditional Christian values if we did not put him there. His election as president has accelerated our decline, a process begun centuries ago when a man had the ignorance and audacity to proclaim : "I think, therefore I am" (Descartes). By making himself the center of the universe, man has become the arbiter of right and wrong, i.e. moral relativism. This is the real threat we face. Most of us, including me at times, get all worked up about financial matters or our national security. But without a clear vision of who we are, who we belong to, what our purpose is in life, where we came from and where we are going, we are left to fend for ourselves, and we will go the way of the dozens of civilizations that have vanished before us. Christianity outlasted the Roman Empire's collapse. We will survive whatever may come if we remain faithful to our Christian heritage and values. Jesus promises "I will be with you until the end of time". He does not lie.
Gary

how do I know I am doing the will of God ?

Many Christians struggle with the idea of God's will for us - how do we know we are doing it? Only a select few receive God's direction from a heavenly messenger. And those who receive such a divine intervention still struggle with it : knowing it and doing it are two separate things.

As a 20-year-old, I was an eager beaver who wanted to do whatever God asked. I prayed earnestly to know His will. I fasted. I spent late-night vigils begging Him for some direction. I sought the scriptures. I sought the counsel of older and wiser Christians who were devout. There are times when I did receive strong anointings or inspirations to do something specific or to talk to someone. Those experiences are exciting and motivation to keep myself open and docile to God's word to me. But, as far as hearing how I should spend my entire life - that never came to me. The daily dose of His word was enough.

Looking back over the last 40 years, I can now trace the outline of a life lived as a follower of Christ. Sometimes I did very well in living gospel values. Other times, I failed miserably. I certainly tried to live a Christian life. But we all are broken vessels (or cracked pots, as some say). Still, it seems to me, I have lived as a Christian - as a husband, father, and member of the Body of Christ. I was meant to be married, but did not know that as a 20-year-old. In fact, I was actively considering the priesthood and might have actually tried that except for one small choice I made. I asked the Lord : "Is the priesthood something that you want for me? If not, turn me around." As we all can see now, God did turn me around, through a series of events and careful discernment with my trusted friends. How happy I am to be the man I have become! However imperfectly, I have lived as a disciple. I am living as His son, ready to respond.

Knowing God's will is something that becomes clear over time, even a lifetime. Some people get dramatic signs or events in their life to steer them one way or the other. But most of us make small choices that lead us to a path unseen from the starting place. I was reading psalm 40 this morning and was struck by verse 6 "You, who wanted no sacrifice or oblation, opened my ear." The footnote in my Jerusalem bible says "God sees to it that his servant knows his will". The founding pastor of my church, Father Frank McGrath, put it this way : "It is God's responsibility to tell us what He wants." We must not make our own plans without making the effort to listen to Him. We can even give Him permission to "Stop me, Lord, if I am going my own way". Gary

A Sure Sign

It was surreal. There I was last Sunday morning, sitting in the sun at a small table on a glorious Spring day with a familiar stranger, who has moved in and out of my life since we were boys. It was my brother Tom. Sitting in a park, overlooking the Connecticut River where the Holyoke Dam roars with magnificent power, we enjoyed a picnic lunch on the edge of the neighborhood where we grew up together. On such a fine day, you would never guess we were sitting near "The Flats", a drug-infested ghetto in our home town with one of the highest crime rates in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Our connection as brothers ended prematurely almost 5 decades ago, when I ran away from home at age 13. It was a desperate act at a desperate time in my life. I never thought I would ever see this place again, especially with this brother of mine, taken from my life when he was 10. We never lived together again and had little or no contact for many years.

Tom is a lifelong alcoholic and addict, and has been homeless for most of his life. He has been in and out of prisons, county jails, and hospitals all his life. Once in a while, Tom found someone he could live with, obtain a job, and almost have a normal life, but it never lasted. He had two children with different women. He has been at death's door many times, and I never expected to see him alive at the ripe age of 57. Since being hit by a car last October, the Mass Health Care system has spent over $500,000 to patch him up, rebuild his pelvis, restore 30 broken bones, and even provide beautiful new dentures. My brother appeared incredibly well and in his right mind as we sat in the sunshine. I found the entire scene completely unbelievable. I kept asking myself : "Is this really happening?"

For many decades, I have pursued Tommy, trying to support and encourage him, praying for his recovery, and looking for him when he went missing. I have given him up for dead so many times, I can't keep track of the count. So there we were, enjoying pasta salad and fruit together in the warm sun, joking and laughing like normal brothers do, and I just could not get my mind around the fact that this was real. Gary & Tom were sitting together, very near where our family disintegrated, and we were happy, even giddy to be together - an incredible time for both of us. As we smiled and talked about our dangerous exploits as two unsupervised boys, playing in the dangerous river and canals of Holyoke in the 1960s, I recalled that last Sunday was "Divine Mercy Sunday". It was a divine mercy for Tommy and I to share these moments together, something beyond either his expectations or mine. My brother honored me for pursuing him all these years. "You never gave up on me" he said. "That's not true", I thought. I fell into despair over him a dozen times. Somehow, hope returns unnoticed.

Whatever may happen, whatever the future may bring to our relationship, we had that time together, a connection we had missed for so long and I am grateful, profoundly grateful. If you had told me this was going to happen, I wouldn't have believed it. But God wanted both of us to be encouraged and not give into despair. Today's gospel records Peter's miraculous catch of fish when the apostles were beginning to doubt the mission Jesus had given them. John was the first to suspect that Jesus was at work with his outburst : "It is the Lord!" Then Jesus fed his disciples breakfast, just as he was feeding Tom & I at this picnic near the water last week. When time gives way to eternity, my family will be reconciled, restored, and forgiven. Prayers are never wasted. Mercy triumphs in the end. Gary